It’s been a while...

I haven’t written anything in a really long time due to the fact that I’m consumed with fortnite. Jk. The truth is I haven’t been able to be honest with myself and I didn’t want to write for the sake of writing. I’ve been in a very strange and new place, where I’m not quite sure how I feel most days. It’s strange to think of it, because there are so many people around me; but I keep going through spurts of random loneliness. And most days I wake up feeling just fine, but other days I just can’t get up because I have these roller-coaster-like mood swings. I’ll have an aching case of depression and the next day I will go on just fine. The reason I haven’t written is because I felt the need to always end these things on a good note, to end a post with being positive and showing off all my hope. And while I’m a rather optimistic person, I haven’t been able to be that way lately. And I think that’s ok. I wouldn’t put the pressure to “be ok” on anyone else so why would I do it to myself? I’ve been struggling, some days I’m not happy, most days I’m just going through the motions and that’s ok.

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I’ve realized that in the midst of me being human and going through life, and especially going through change, I’m going to be ok sometimes and I’m not going to be ok sometimes. But even when I’m not ok I have to learn to grow through those things. Living life is messy! And we all have our faults. We have problems that we face daily and they’re things that sometimes no one else in the entire planet knows about. I’ve been shut in my little bubble trying to deal with my own pain, and when I finally realized that I’m a friend to so many people that rely on me; I had to put myself aside for the people I care about. And when I put what I’m dealing with up against what they’re dealing with, I honestly feel blessed. Broken, and hurting, and even though we know it, we have a tendency to assume we’re alone. Always. When that is never true. We are never alone. And I don’t mean that in some cliche everyone-always-says-that kind of way. But if you look around you and there literally is nobody there.... surround yourself with people who care. But when you do, don’t be frustrated when they become invested. And don’t be so unwilling to trust ppl. Everyone is so afraid to get hurt, that you end up missing out on so much. Decide to be more trusting. Make a conscience effort to be open, because shutting the world out, and becoming numb to your feelings and thoughts and the world, are NOT gonna make you feel better. Honestly it’ll only make it worse... I would know.

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I haven’t written in a minute because the more ppl that I knew abt reading my blog the more pressure I felt to rlly DELIVER! But that’s not why I started this thing. I wanted to write as self expression. I didn’t wanna write something and then some one come and ask me “well why did you write that? What’s going on?” Because I can write something and it be just because. I’m not doing this (or anything actually) for anyone else, which sounds selfish>> and maybe it is. But I don’t owe ppl an explanation as to why I do what I do or how I decide to do it. I’m finding my way throughout life and adulthood and being my own person. I’m still learning. And this place is just a safe space for me to talk and possibly be heard. I don’t love pressure and while I know that sometimes it helps certain ppl to grow or change and challenge themselves, it typically just makes me clam up. I’ve been changing a lot on my own. I’ve been growing and learning and branching out and have been all over the place honestly. My mind is scattered and stretched and wearing. I am constantly asking myself what am I doing; how am I moving forward? I find myself taking a lot of steps back to try and examine what I’ve done and why I did those things. I keep trying to understand my younger self to determine my present self and who I want to be in the future. Life is challenging! And growing up I never thought I’d have so much trouble being me; I’ve always known what I wanted, and no matter what it was.... I was gonna get it. It’s my attitude towards life, to get what I put the effort into getting. I work for what I want and then when it’s mine I steward it as carefully as possible (something my dad taught me). Writing has always been that to me. Working hard to paint a picture or to develop a story and in the end getting the response you worked so hard to attain. Writing has always been a form of self expression and a release; a place to relax and begin to understand the world. It’s always been a safe haven and I don’t want to lose that under the pressure of being some certain way for other ppl. At the end of the day if I don’t find pride in what I’m doing and am writing for other ppls taste or preference, I’m not doing anyone a service. I’m not sure if I’ll be writing a ton but I am aiming for once a month at least. We shall see. And December soooooo DOES NOT count! But thank you for sticking around and I hope to see you soon

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jade anjalee